Wednesday

Most difficult day of the week to get through for me.  And to make matters worse it is storming today.  What I wouldn't give to be...but I digress.  Let's move on, shall we? 

Yesterday my cousin introduced me to Bill.  My cousin has no idea what was going through my mind.  She knew I would find him attractive and sweet as she does.  Tall, salt and pepper hair, easy grin and laid back attitude.  Yes Bill is indeed eye candy.  Too bad he works six miles down the road.  Or perhaps that is a good thing. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Lost in You" by Two Days Grace

Balance

The every day struggle for a Libra is to get that balance in the Universe.  We strive for it every second of every day.  It's a daunting task and one we take seriously.  When things are right we briefly sigh and baske in the harmony, but as is always the case it never stays balanced for long and will teeter.  Now that I am older I understand my desire for this harmony in all things.  There was a time I fought it believing I had to go against the grain in order to get the results I wanted.  But now I understand the give and take this balance requires and although it often feels like I compromise way more than anyone else I still do it to achieve that balance. 

Often is the case that my own life; my wants specifically, are set aside.  I don't play a martyr because bringing that to the attention of others is not my style and nonproductive in getting the results I need.  I do, however, sit back at times and realize that this selfishness in others is often what makes the world tilt on it's axis and cause the imbalance.  There are times, I admit, I wish I too could be this way.  Thinking the world somehow owes me and demand attention.  But that in and of itself is a bad taste in my mouth.  For who will make things right if we all have this mindset?

No, I know all too well my place in the Universe and I am not happy until I can achieve that level.  What makes my "job" more difficult is human nature.  The people around me are constantly pushing for lead positions and greed drives many.  Unfortunately not in the way that would be most beneficial, but in the manipulative kind of way.  They want something for nothing.  Feel they are somehow owed and shouldn't have to pay their dues.  Still every day I wake up with the goal of balance.  If my life somehow gets easier as a result then things are real good.  The little glimmer of harmony I sometimes get to experience is my reward. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "King of Everything" by Sara Bareilles

This Cannot Last Forever

That's what I kept telling myself on my drive into work this morning.  This crush has got to end soon.  I mean, really?  It's not like I am a high school girl.  I should be able to put this behind me and move right on down the track.  Instead my train is derailed with no signs of recovering.  This is disconcerting to me as I want nothing more than to be HAPPY and CONTENT with where I am and who I am with.  Let me let go.  Isn't that a song?  Wow, could there ever be one more fitting than that?  Yeah - how about...

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Not Over You" by Gavin Degraw

Photo

Whilst snooping about the Web I came across a photo I had never seen before.  It is electrifying and the vision is literally burned into my brain.  Driving in to work this morning I couldn't help but wonder what is going on with me.  He's obviously quite content this way or else he would have reached out.  Normally I would have had no problem moving on but not with this man.  I don't know how to fix this and it's driving me crazy.

TFIG

Looking forward to a weekend of crocheting and the Saurkraut Festival.  Oh and worrying over my horses long journey from CA to OH. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "As Close As I'll Get To Loving You" by Aaron Tippin

T-24

That's how many days till we move in.  I can't wait.  I am tired of living out of my car and out of a bag with my clothes everywhere.  I don't even know where half of my stuff is at this point.  For someone like me that's just hell.

I broke down and viewed the FB I told myself I wasn't.  He's still alive.  That's about all I know.  Crap I just wish he would keep in touch.  I'm certain he's getting his fix somewhere else.  I keep holding out thinking he will miss me.  And then I laugh.  I'm pretty sure he's quite happy to be rid of me. 

There's this HUGE part of me that wants to blow his mind and just show up someplace I know he will be.  Preferably at a competition - like the race.  Not even sure he's still doing those these days which is why I check the site.  Anyway I'd love to get in great shape and show up.  Love to see his face when he sees me all fit and competing. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "How Do You Like Me Now?" by Toby Keith

When will it snow?

I realize it's only Oct 5th, but can it hurry up and snow already?  I've been waiting a long time to live some place where I can sit at my window and watch the snow fall.  Yes I know it's cold.  Yes I know it can turn ugly when the cars drive on it and the people walk through it.  But in the beginning when it's fresh and untouched it's truly beautiful. 

Monday can't come soon enough for me.  Yes, I said "Monday".  One less burden on my shoulders and I need to drop some of the burden.  Slowly but surely it's all falling into place. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "I Dare You" by Shinedown.  Cause I do - dare you.

Re-establishing Contact and All Sorts of Random

The purpose of this blog was supposed to be THERAPY.  My intentions were to write every day; maybe even twice a day.  I have been failing at that and only because I am lazy.  So that's stopping right here, right now.  If you're following this and I don't blog you better speak up and remind me. 

Today is his birthday and although leading up to this day I was really fighting myself over how to acknowledge it - or if I should - when today finally arrived I knew immediately I wasn't going to.  Maybe because I think he's expecting me to.  Maybe because he didn't acknowledge mine.  Whatever.  It's just not worth the heartache.  I know he won't read an email if I send it and to send him a text would be suicide of the heart wrenching sort, so I'm not even going there.  Let's just chalk it up as "it is what it is".  If he gets curious about me maybe he will reach out.  Doubtful.  Just part of the letting go process, right?  See me letting go? 

The girls are scheduled to get here soon.  The anxiety level is rising on so many levels.  Money is tight and I do mean squeaky tight.  I've applied for a balance transfer to free up one card that the DH will use to come cross country.  I keep asking God to just let me stretch it this one last time and then things will start to retract.  So far he's not answered me but that's okay.  I know he's busy with more important things/people.  I have faith.  The girls will be quarantined in a less than ideal barn/stall location, but I need to be patient yet again.  It's understandable to quarantine them.  Cross country; new barn; lots of other's horses.  I'd do the same if I was the barn owner.  But it looks a lot like a dungeon and I'm certain the girls are going to look at me as if to say, "Where have you brought me??"  It's only for two weeks and then they go up to the big barn and can be turned out with the other mares. 

Move in date draws closer.  We should do a countdown.  Let's say this is T-27.  It could be sooner, but we won't know that until the 15th.  Either way this is the last month I will have to live out of my car.  I'm ready to be in our own house, with my cats, my love seat, my DH.  All of this living out of a bag and hauling crap from house to house has gotten very old.  I'm actually thinking I am slightly depressed because all I want to do is sleep.  And sleep I do.  When the girls arrive I'm going to change that.  Being with them; brushing them and just being near doing whatever is my goal.  And then the goal is to get them to our place as soon as possible.  I'd love for it to happen in 2011 but unless we bite the bullet and put up something temporary it won't happen.  I have this idea in my head but I don't think the DH has the same idea at all.  He can't think temporary for some reason.  Maybe I can change his mindset. 

After much work on two spreadsheets the boss finally expressed his approval of both.  I sighed with relief.  He's not very good at feedback.  In the past I have taken that to me that normally implies they are content, but you just never know.  So I'm taking this as a small victory for now and hoping it leads to better things to come.  The plan is bring on yet another PC.  I'm hoping we can collaborate somewhat and work together.  We'll see I suppose.

SONG OF THE BLOG:  I don't have one....

Friday and all it's glory

Although not in my normal setting I still appreciate Fridays and the upcoming weekend.  Anyone that knows me knows I love to sit and crochet and while at work I often daydream about doing just that.  These days in my transient state I find it hard to get settled enough to crochet comfortably like in the past.  I long for my perfect light and comfy position on my familiar loveseat in order to create.  So I slump and wiggle.  Adjust and then readjust all the while trying to find a spot comfy enough for me to crochet.  It's frustrating and aggravating.  I know some people have way worse problems than me, but for me this is huge. 

I viewed three properties yesterday and all of them were way wrong.  The first one was such a disaster I was embarrassed for the owners.  The yapping dogs combined with the stacks of clothes piled everywhere were just too much.  I think I was at the house less than ten minutes.  The property was all wrong for horses and although the location was alright, it was just wrong.  The second place wasn't much better.  It was empty, but the stench of mildew and mold in the primary home was absolutely horrendous.  The second mobile on the property should just be condemned.  Too bad, because the lot and circle driveway had potential.  The third place was on six acres.  It was an old brick farmhouse built in 1932.  And inside it looked it.  It did have the original floors and original everything else.  Okay, maybe the sink had been updated to a 1970's style and the kitchen was about the size of a nickel.  There were no closests in the house as was the style back then.  One could not stand upright in the bedrooms upstairs.  The barn on this property was the best part.  It was huge and wonderful inside.  It was old and very well maintained.  The owners had built 3 large stalls inside with a huge area for a walkin/out.  It had a gigantic loft that looked practically brand new.  That's where I got to meet Bill, the miniature donkey.  He was grazing on the back section of the 6 acres and when he saw he came trotting right up.  He was loveable and so cute.  Made me want one, but they are aggressive and Dolly would probably get the hell kicked out of her for wanting to be friendly. 

Anyway, neither place would work for us.  So Saturday the search continues.  I am on a mission.  My goal is to find our place, get it bought and get moved in so that my horses can be in the backyard and not at a boarding stable anytime.  It's a tall order, but I'm going to do it.  I got an amazing surprise yesterday.  The shipping quote I submitted for Hillsboro/Mt Orab came back almost $600 less than the original quote.  I was so thrilled I almost cried.  That really helps right now.  The girls have their vet call on the 23rd and I have a 30 day window to ship them from that date.  It might be close considering it's already Aug 12, but it's not impossible.  I refuse to be denied. 

I picked up a project of my own at work.  Hopefully it won't be a case of be careful what you ask for.  I'll let you know in about a month.  But one thing is certain - job security for the next 4-5 years is paramount.  I can't be unemployed and I want stability.  I don't want to have to interview again.  I want my piece of heaven and then I want to retire and sit on my porch and take it all in. 

Still no contact.  I am getting nervous and I am disappointed.  I suppose I shouldn't be.  It was inevitable.  I just didn't think he'd do it.  Seeing him again is really a long shot.  Unless I make the effort it will not happen.  That's sad. 

Okay, so it's Friday and the weekend is upon us.  Put a smile on my face and march on.

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "I Dare You" by Switchfoot.  Because I dare you.

House Hunting and other thoughts for a Thursday

House hunting is not easy.  Especially when you have a limited budget and specific parameters.  In this case, the horses.  We need enough land to have them and would like the property to already have a horse set up.  This isn't the easiest thing to find even where we moved to.  So this evening I am going out with our realtor to view some properties.  If we would just win the lotto I wouldn't have to be worried about this.  We could just buy the land and build the house and barn we want.  Of course we'll never win the lotto.  So I must search.  One good thing is that the DH is not here to view them with me.  He would drive me insane looking at places.  This way I can pace myself. 

The weather has cooled down and it feels splendid.  I'm considering pushing back the shipping date for the horses now for a couple of reasons.  The biggest is money.  It would save us the cash we need right now to perhaps get into a house.  I can put the shipping costs onto a credit card.  After we are in the house who cares?  Right?  Between cash and the credit card amount is $300.  Not enough to go broke over, don't you think?

I had jalapeno cornbread at lunch and I'm beginning to wonder if the marvelous taste was worth what might happen later... 

Finally working with numbers and spreadsheets.  Thankfully.  I was beginning to wonder if I had made a wise choice in my job selection.  I have the freedom to maintain two budgets anyway I want.  This is wonderful for an Excel nut like myself.  I'm having a good time experimenting with dashboards and formulas. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  Tennessee Line by Daughtry.  Just cause it's an awesome song and I'll be seeing him on the 2nd. 

Not as easy as it should be..

Every day I try to wake up with a positive attitude.  It's getting more difficult every day.  Am I made of money?  It sure feels like it.  At least our daughter seems to think so.  At what point in her life does she begin to take it all seriously and I don't mean in the dramatic sense.  She is in her mid 20's and still doesn't grasp "responsibility" and "accountability".  Will she ever?  In the meantime my bank account keeps dwindling with no relief in sight.  My husband feels the need to coddle her to a point.  The other side of that is he feels the need to coddle her to keep her on his side of the divorce from hell that never goes away.  His ex doesn't help their daughter and maybe, just maybe she's the smart one here.  All I know is that every day I wake up with less and less to work with and yet every day I am working 8 hours a day.  Something has to give and I just hope it's not my sanity.  I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want what I want.  I'm entitled to that, but not on the shoulder of someone else or at someone else's expense.  If I want something I have to pay the cost.  I don't expect anyone else to.  Sure, we all need help now and then.  Lord knows in the past I have needed it.  But now I am struggling daily to make ends meet in this "new" adventure and what makes it unpleasant is the icky taste of poverty in my mouth.  Okay, that's a tad extreme.  Poverty isn't knocking at my door - yet. 

Let's see...new phone and we make her car payment.  Oh and we also pay her phone bill and make her car insurance payment.  And she's how old?  Why does she "rate" a new phone with the bells and whistles?  Why do I have to pay for her to access her email, FB and whatever else?  Perhaps living with just a phone that makes calls and receives texts will get her butt in gear to start earning money and paying her own way.  Maybe not. 

I'm just aggravated.  I want my own house.  I want my horses in my backyard.  I want to get up in the morning and go to a job I like.  I want to crochet.  I want to watch baseball and football and the weather channel.  I want to have a dog.  I want a couple rabbits.  I want to sit on my back porch and watch the rain come down and then the snow.  At 47 there's no reason I can't have these things.  I'm not asking for a mansion.  I'm not asking for anything more than my little piece of the pie.  Every time I have the pie in the front of me and I have cut my piece, someone comes along and takes the piece right out from under my nose and I have to start all over. 

Okay, enough of that.  My job is sucky, too.  I am used to being the person with the answers and the person that was busy to the person that has nothing to do for 8 hours a day except eat.  No one to talk to.  No one to interact with.  My boss comes around just enough for me to remember I have one.  I do get paid well.  I'm not complaining about that.  If I didn't have a daughter I might actually reap the benefits of that paycheck. 

I know that hope springs eternal.  Hope floats.  Every day I need to wake up with that "hope" in my heart.  I know my day is determined by my own attitude.  No one else around me can control how I manage my anger, disappointment, dreams or attitude.  Only me.  Allowing others to control these aspects mean I have given up and I might as well stay in this rut I am in. 

No emails has me floored.  I try hard to keep things in perspective and remember that he's not mine.  But who made that call?  Not me.  Someone higher decided I would be allowed to have him in my life for a brief enough time to ruin and change everything I've ever known.  Or did it just bring to the surface what I really desire?  Settling is so harsh.  We do what we can and every day we have choices to make and needs to satisfy.  We curb that appetite the best way we can and wake up and face the same demons again.  I'm not against challenge.  I'm not against adventure.  I'm not against much of anything.  What I want is a feeling of sheer exhilaration every time I see someone.  Wisdom to know when it's a good thing and the ability to make the changes necessary in order to keep that feeling.  But I have none of that.  I don't have the answers.  I don't have the ability to make him want me.  It's an age old tale.  You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try.  They either do or they don't.  So you settle for another just so you won't be alone.  You hope every day that a spark ignites and the old memories die and new ones emerge.  Hope floats.  Hope springs eternal. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Already Gone" by Sugarland

How often is "often"?

Every time I start to think about blogging again, I always read through others to get ideas.  The one thing I notice that is prevalent is how many people talk about how little they blog.  How they are always apologizing for being away too long.  How they intended to blog a lot more but for whatever reason they just don't. 

What is the right amount of blogging?  Every day?  Once a week?  I saw one that was like a continuous journal.  I suppose it's all relevant to the reader and/or blogger.  So let's talk about my reasons for blogging again.  Work is boring and blogging provides an opportunity for me to look busy.  Blogging is also a great therapy for me.  I seem to "write" in my head all day, so why not actually blog? 

This is a start.  I always do a Song of the Blog post, too.  So here goes: 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley