Every day I try to wake up with a positive attitude. It's getting more difficult every day. Am I made of money? It sure feels like it. At least our daughter seems to think so. At what point in her life does she begin to take it all seriously and I don't mean in the dramatic sense. She is in her mid 20's and still doesn't grasp "responsibility" and "accountability". Will she ever? In the meantime my bank account keeps dwindling with no relief in sight. My husband feels the need to coddle her to a point. The other side of that is he feels the need to coddle her to keep her on his side of the divorce from hell that never goes away. His ex doesn't help their daughter and maybe, just maybe she's the smart one here. All I know is that every day I wake up with less and less to work with and yet every day I am working 8 hours a day. Something has to give and I just hope it's not my sanity. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter. I want what I want. I'm entitled to that, but not on the shoulder of someone else or at someone else's expense. If I want something I have to pay the cost. I don't expect anyone else to. Sure, we all need help now and then. Lord knows in the past I have needed it. But now I am struggling daily to make ends meet in this "new" adventure and what makes it unpleasant is the icky taste of poverty in my mouth. Okay, that's a tad extreme. Poverty isn't knocking at my door - yet.
Let's see...new phone and we make her car payment. Oh and we also pay her phone bill and make her car insurance payment. And she's how old? Why does she "rate" a new phone with the bells and whistles? Why do I have to pay for her to access her email, FB and whatever else? Perhaps living with just a phone that makes calls and receives texts will get her butt in gear to start earning money and paying her own way. Maybe not.
I'm just aggravated. I want my own house. I want my horses in my backyard. I want to get up in the morning and go to a job I like. I want to crochet. I want to watch baseball and football and the weather channel. I want to have a dog. I want a couple rabbits. I want to sit on my back porch and watch the rain come down and then the snow. At 47 there's no reason I can't have these things. I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm not asking for anything more than my little piece of the pie. Every time I have the pie in the front of me and I have cut my piece, someone comes along and takes the piece right out from under my nose and I have to start all over.
Okay, enough of that. My job is sucky, too. I am used to being the person with the answers and the person that was busy to the person that has nothing to do for 8 hours a day except eat. No one to talk to. No one to interact with. My boss comes around just enough for me to remember I have one. I do get paid well. I'm not complaining about that. If I didn't have a daughter I might actually reap the benefits of that paycheck.
I know that hope springs eternal. Hope floats. Every day I need to wake up with that "hope" in my heart. I know my day is determined by my own attitude. No one else around me can control how I manage my anger, disappointment, dreams or attitude. Only me. Allowing others to control these aspects mean I have given up and I might as well stay in this rut I am in.
No emails has me floored. I try hard to keep things in perspective and remember that he's not mine. But who made that call? Not me. Someone higher decided I would be allowed to have him in my life for a brief enough time to ruin and change everything I've ever known. Or did it just bring to the surface what I really desire? Settling is so harsh. We do what we can and every day we have choices to make and needs to satisfy. We curb that appetite the best way we can and wake up and face the same demons again. I'm not against challenge. I'm not against adventure. I'm not against much of anything. What I want is a feeling of sheer exhilaration every time I see someone. Wisdom to know when it's a good thing and the ability to make the changes necessary in order to keep that feeling. But I have none of that. I don't have the answers. I don't have the ability to make him want me. It's an age old tale. You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try. They either do or they don't. So you settle for another just so you won't be alone. You hope every day that a spark ignites and the old memories die and new ones emerge. Hope floats. Hope springs eternal.
SONG OF THE BLOG: "Already Gone" by Sugarland
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