Friday and all it's glory

Although not in my normal setting I still appreciate Fridays and the upcoming weekend.  Anyone that knows me knows I love to sit and crochet and while at work I often daydream about doing just that.  These days in my transient state I find it hard to get settled enough to crochet comfortably like in the past.  I long for my perfect light and comfy position on my familiar loveseat in order to create.  So I slump and wiggle.  Adjust and then readjust all the while trying to find a spot comfy enough for me to crochet.  It's frustrating and aggravating.  I know some people have way worse problems than me, but for me this is huge. 

I viewed three properties yesterday and all of them were way wrong.  The first one was such a disaster I was embarrassed for the owners.  The yapping dogs combined with the stacks of clothes piled everywhere were just too much.  I think I was at the house less than ten minutes.  The property was all wrong for horses and although the location was alright, it was just wrong.  The second place wasn't much better.  It was empty, but the stench of mildew and mold in the primary home was absolutely horrendous.  The second mobile on the property should just be condemned.  Too bad, because the lot and circle driveway had potential.  The third place was on six acres.  It was an old brick farmhouse built in 1932.  And inside it looked it.  It did have the original floors and original everything else.  Okay, maybe the sink had been updated to a 1970's style and the kitchen was about the size of a nickel.  There were no closests in the house as was the style back then.  One could not stand upright in the bedrooms upstairs.  The barn on this property was the best part.  It was huge and wonderful inside.  It was old and very well maintained.  The owners had built 3 large stalls inside with a huge area for a walkin/out.  It had a gigantic loft that looked practically brand new.  That's where I got to meet Bill, the miniature donkey.  He was grazing on the back section of the 6 acres and when he saw he came trotting right up.  He was loveable and so cute.  Made me want one, but they are aggressive and Dolly would probably get the hell kicked out of her for wanting to be friendly. 

Anyway, neither place would work for us.  So Saturday the search continues.  I am on a mission.  My goal is to find our place, get it bought and get moved in so that my horses can be in the backyard and not at a boarding stable anytime.  It's a tall order, but I'm going to do it.  I got an amazing surprise yesterday.  The shipping quote I submitted for Hillsboro/Mt Orab came back almost $600 less than the original quote.  I was so thrilled I almost cried.  That really helps right now.  The girls have their vet call on the 23rd and I have a 30 day window to ship them from that date.  It might be close considering it's already Aug 12, but it's not impossible.  I refuse to be denied. 

I picked up a project of my own at work.  Hopefully it won't be a case of be careful what you ask for.  I'll let you know in about a month.  But one thing is certain - job security for the next 4-5 years is paramount.  I can't be unemployed and I want stability.  I don't want to have to interview again.  I want my piece of heaven and then I want to retire and sit on my porch and take it all in. 

Still no contact.  I am getting nervous and I am disappointed.  I suppose I shouldn't be.  It was inevitable.  I just didn't think he'd do it.  Seeing him again is really a long shot.  Unless I make the effort it will not happen.  That's sad. 

Okay, so it's Friday and the weekend is upon us.  Put a smile on my face and march on.

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "I Dare You" by Switchfoot.  Because I dare you.

House Hunting and other thoughts for a Thursday

House hunting is not easy.  Especially when you have a limited budget and specific parameters.  In this case, the horses.  We need enough land to have them and would like the property to already have a horse set up.  This isn't the easiest thing to find even where we moved to.  So this evening I am going out with our realtor to view some properties.  If we would just win the lotto I wouldn't have to be worried about this.  We could just buy the land and build the house and barn we want.  Of course we'll never win the lotto.  So I must search.  One good thing is that the DH is not here to view them with me.  He would drive me insane looking at places.  This way I can pace myself. 

The weather has cooled down and it feels splendid.  I'm considering pushing back the shipping date for the horses now for a couple of reasons.  The biggest is money.  It would save us the cash we need right now to perhaps get into a house.  I can put the shipping costs onto a credit card.  After we are in the house who cares?  Right?  Between cash and the credit card amount is $300.  Not enough to go broke over, don't you think?

I had jalapeno cornbread at lunch and I'm beginning to wonder if the marvelous taste was worth what might happen later... 

Finally working with numbers and spreadsheets.  Thankfully.  I was beginning to wonder if I had made a wise choice in my job selection.  I have the freedom to maintain two budgets anyway I want.  This is wonderful for an Excel nut like myself.  I'm having a good time experimenting with dashboards and formulas. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  Tennessee Line by Daughtry.  Just cause it's an awesome song and I'll be seeing him on the 2nd. 

Not as easy as it should be..

Every day I try to wake up with a positive attitude.  It's getting more difficult every day.  Am I made of money?  It sure feels like it.  At least our daughter seems to think so.  At what point in her life does she begin to take it all seriously and I don't mean in the dramatic sense.  She is in her mid 20's and still doesn't grasp "responsibility" and "accountability".  Will she ever?  In the meantime my bank account keeps dwindling with no relief in sight.  My husband feels the need to coddle her to a point.  The other side of that is he feels the need to coddle her to keep her on his side of the divorce from hell that never goes away.  His ex doesn't help their daughter and maybe, just maybe she's the smart one here.  All I know is that every day I wake up with less and less to work with and yet every day I am working 8 hours a day.  Something has to give and I just hope it's not my sanity.  I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be bitter.  I want what I want.  I'm entitled to that, but not on the shoulder of someone else or at someone else's expense.  If I want something I have to pay the cost.  I don't expect anyone else to.  Sure, we all need help now and then.  Lord knows in the past I have needed it.  But now I am struggling daily to make ends meet in this "new" adventure and what makes it unpleasant is the icky taste of poverty in my mouth.  Okay, that's a tad extreme.  Poverty isn't knocking at my door - yet. 

Let's see...new phone and we make her car payment.  Oh and we also pay her phone bill and make her car insurance payment.  And she's how old?  Why does she "rate" a new phone with the bells and whistles?  Why do I have to pay for her to access her email, FB and whatever else?  Perhaps living with just a phone that makes calls and receives texts will get her butt in gear to start earning money and paying her own way.  Maybe not. 

I'm just aggravated.  I want my own house.  I want my horses in my backyard.  I want to get up in the morning and go to a job I like.  I want to crochet.  I want to watch baseball and football and the weather channel.  I want to have a dog.  I want a couple rabbits.  I want to sit on my back porch and watch the rain come down and then the snow.  At 47 there's no reason I can't have these things.  I'm not asking for a mansion.  I'm not asking for anything more than my little piece of the pie.  Every time I have the pie in the front of me and I have cut my piece, someone comes along and takes the piece right out from under my nose and I have to start all over. 

Okay, enough of that.  My job is sucky, too.  I am used to being the person with the answers and the person that was busy to the person that has nothing to do for 8 hours a day except eat.  No one to talk to.  No one to interact with.  My boss comes around just enough for me to remember I have one.  I do get paid well.  I'm not complaining about that.  If I didn't have a daughter I might actually reap the benefits of that paycheck. 

I know that hope springs eternal.  Hope floats.  Every day I need to wake up with that "hope" in my heart.  I know my day is determined by my own attitude.  No one else around me can control how I manage my anger, disappointment, dreams or attitude.  Only me.  Allowing others to control these aspects mean I have given up and I might as well stay in this rut I am in. 

No emails has me floored.  I try hard to keep things in perspective and remember that he's not mine.  But who made that call?  Not me.  Someone higher decided I would be allowed to have him in my life for a brief enough time to ruin and change everything I've ever known.  Or did it just bring to the surface what I really desire?  Settling is so harsh.  We do what we can and every day we have choices to make and needs to satisfy.  We curb that appetite the best way we can and wake up and face the same demons again.  I'm not against challenge.  I'm not against adventure.  I'm not against much of anything.  What I want is a feeling of sheer exhilaration every time I see someone.  Wisdom to know when it's a good thing and the ability to make the changes necessary in order to keep that feeling.  But I have none of that.  I don't have the answers.  I don't have the ability to make him want me.  It's an age old tale.  You can't make someone love you no matter how hard you try.  They either do or they don't.  So you settle for another just so you won't be alone.  You hope every day that a spark ignites and the old memories die and new ones emerge.  Hope floats.  Hope springs eternal. 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Already Gone" by Sugarland

How often is "often"?

Every time I start to think about blogging again, I always read through others to get ideas.  The one thing I notice that is prevalent is how many people talk about how little they blog.  How they are always apologizing for being away too long.  How they intended to blog a lot more but for whatever reason they just don't. 

What is the right amount of blogging?  Every day?  Once a week?  I saw one that was like a continuous journal.  I suppose it's all relevant to the reader and/or blogger.  So let's talk about my reasons for blogging again.  Work is boring and blogging provides an opportunity for me to look busy.  Blogging is also a great therapy for me.  I seem to "write" in my head all day, so why not actually blog? 

This is a start.  I always do a Song of the Blog post, too.  So here goes: 

SONG OF THE BLOG:  "Am I The Only One" by Dierks Bentley